This article is courtesy of Reboot Mindset Training
If I had a dollar for every time I saw someone glaze over when we get to the empathy module in my emotional intelligence training, I’d probably own property in Maui. It creates a visceral response, a bit like how the smell of ouzo might conjure up memories of that 1991 hangover, or how hearing a particular song transports you back into a memory.
The topic of empathy seems to do the same thing - generate a negative reaction, and in my opinion it’s because we’ve been taught for so long that it’s one thing, whereas it’s actually something totally different.
I base this on feedback I get from this training. It consistently ranks the empathy stuff right up there in terms of welcome but also unexpected value.
It seems empathy has earned a reputation of being soft.
That it means lowering standards, taking responsibility for peoples’ emotions, and my personal favourite – putting yourself in someone else’s shoes – a totally impossible thing to do because even if you did wear their shoes, it’s still YOUR feet in them, along with YOUR life experience, values and beliefs and without one iota of theirs.
Please, can we stop telling people to swap shoes? It’s impractical, it’s impossible and in my opinion, it’s offensive. We do not know what someone else ’s experience of a situation is and we need to stop assuming that we do, and that we're equipped to make decisions within it.
You know who DOES understand what that person is experiencing? That person! Empathy is NOT leaving them with lowered expectations and a pack of emotional support Tim Tams, it’s about inspiring accountability and leading them forward alongside of, and in spite of, their experience.
So many of us confuse empathy with sympathy. Meaningful but often used in the wrong place.
Sympathy is, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” It acknowledges the struggle, expresses concern and often stops there. We feel better because we’ve said something kind. The other person may feel heard, but nothing really changes.
Whereas empathy sounds more like,“I’m sorry you’re going through this, what do you need in order to feel supported, and able to move forward?”
Let’s take a slight (but relevant) detour.
Ever heard of the terms pacing and leading?
Pacing is meeting someone where they’re at, and building meaningful, genuine rapport. Leading is then moving them forward into action.
You cannot lead until you have paced first.
Example: a colleague, you don’t know well, asks “can I show you a better way to do that?” I reckon your eyebrows would speak a language all of their own and make it clear they should jog on. But if a colleague you have rapport with was to ask the same thing, you’d probably scoot your chair over and allow them to show you.
And that’s where many bosses, parents and even car salespeople go wrong – they go for the leading jugular – trying to influence, without taking time (even a few minutes) to earn the right to, first.
I want to help you understand this is because sympathy (pacing) is valuable, but empathy (leading) is priceless, and when you’re a leader who can pace with integrity, you’ll become a trusted person people will repeatedly listen to and be guided by.
In a nutshell, please keep your own shoes on, and view empathy as fuel that powers productivity instead of as a soft, fluffy, buzzwordy wet blanket that smothers it.
Start by asking things like:
“I can see this is taking a toll, what do you need?” The first response you’ll get will probably be dismissive – “a million bucks, a holiday, an extra 70 hours in the day”. Let that go through to the keeper. Follow-up with something like “that may take me a while, but in the meantime, what do you need?”
Then go quiet and resist the urge to offer multiple choice.
Their silence isn’t likely resistance. It might just be the first time they’ve been invited, with empathy, to contribute proactively to their own performance.
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